On the UP

It's been almost a week now since I started meds, and I have to say I am feeling like myself again. I must be calmer cos the number of 2 yo tantrums in our house has fallen significantly...well, so it seems to me. I knew Sasha was picking up on my moods and reacting accordingly!!!

So YAY, things are on the up!!!

Drugs, drugs, drugs

Taking that 1st tablet was a little daunting, especially after reading the information sheet with all the possible side effects. For example, "people taking XYDEP (same as zoloft) may be more likely to think about killing themselves or actually try to do so, especially when it is first started or the dose is changed"...EEK!!! Oh well, all in the name of feeling "better".

I was easily agitated (more than normal) for the 1st couple of days on meds. Every 2 yo tantrum had me heading of to my room saying, "I can't deal with this anymore" followed by telling myself "it's only the drugs"...which strangely seemed to help. Thankfully though, I didn't start having thoughts of self harm or worse!

Talk Time

I have a conversation with my mum where I mentioned going to the doctor about a rash I had all over me (was an allergic reaction to something). She asked me if I had talked about how I'd been feeling while I was there. I said no, wondering why I would even do that. She also brought up the dreaded "D" word....surely not...I'm just exhausted is all....isn't it normal to feel like I do when you have a baby and a toddler to look after?? Apparently not.

So, I have 2 choices here. I can just ignore my mum and carry on as is, or I can figure out exactly how I'm feeling and do something about it...The Road to a Healthier Me...I decide the later.

I went back to the doctors with the following list (so much easier to write it down than try to describe it and talk about it on the spot):
- I am constantly exhausted and if I could sleep all day I would.
- If I had a "day off" I don't think I would feel revived.
- I'm not enjoying my time with my kids. I find it draining and I find it hard to get motivated to do activities with them.
- I feel tied down and want to run away a lot...but at the same time wouldn't have things any other way (yes, sounds confusing).
- It's emotionally too easy to leave my beautiful boy with other people. It's a relief.
- I worry and feel anxious about little things.
- I don't really enjoy anything. Everything is a chore.
- Baby refusing feeds (he's breastfed) really gets me down.
- I'm extremely irritable.
- My memory is crap.
- At times it feels like my head is going to implode and I'm going to end up raving mad.

Doesn't look good to me. Mum (and my sister) were right and the doctor totally agreed. PND (post natal depression). Medication and counselling for the road to recovery.

So tired

I wonder if the physical unhappiness is a symptom of something more emotional or psychological????
I've been feeling so tired/exhausted lately it's not funny. I'm either counting down the hours until Matt gets home or dreading him leaving for work and then counting down the hours until the kids are in bed. I have no idea of how I get through each day...or how I'm going to get through the next day...argh. I'm really not having that much fun at all. I even started thinking about putting the kids in childcare and trying to do some casual/relief teaching just to get a break!

So the Journey Begins

When I first decided that I was going to have a go a writing a blog, I was feeling a little self loathing and in desperate need to get my butt into gear. No longer did I want to fell like the fat, frumpy mumma that I was turning into.
What sort of example was I setting for my children? How is it ok that I'm letting them believe that it's ok to spend the day sitting on the couch. I need to do something...for them and for me...so I no longer feel so bloated and so disgusted. So here begins my journey....the road to a healthier me!!